i have adventures (sometimes)

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

The Whole Point of Me

ARTHUR: Oh, come on, Douglas! It’ll be fun! We’ll make a game of it! Like, one of us could put something metal in our pocket and see if the X-ray machine can tell which one of us it is!
: I think the machine can tell that. That is the whole point of the machine.
: Yeah, well, let’s see. There’s lots of things that are the whole point of me that I don’t do.
: Like what?
: Floss. Don’t tell Mum.

After a killer day of Sunday blues that led to me spending most of Sunday afternoon crying in bed, I woke up on Monday morning feeling sad. This isn't news. I wake up most weekday mornings feeling sad. Sometimes weekends too. Lately, I've been feeling like the whole point of me... isn't anything, really.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I've been sad for a while. Between a fairly recent break up and a fairly soul destroying job, it's hard to tell which one is making me sad at any given time. I won't talk much about the break up, because obviously I'm not the only person involved. But a few weeks down the line, I'm getting slowly better, and I have Kelly and Taylor and Katy and Little Mix to tell me I'm fine on my own and One Direction to tell I'm beautiful (and that casual sex is fun?). So while I'm listening to music that would have made my goth teenage ears bleed, it's keeping me going.

Deal with it, disapproving 17-year-old Ali.
But this is not a post for unrelenting misery, because I've been doing some of that and now it needs to do some relenting.

So when I woke up on Monday morning feeling sad about another week at my meaningless job, I thought, "Well, then you'll have to make it meaningful, won't you?"

And I went, "Oh."

And then I was talking to myself, so I stopped. But it was a good conversation nevertheless.

I don't have a lot of patience with all that "think positive!", "choose to be happy!!" stuff. Much too often, I feel like it's just another way to shame people who don't have the will or the spoons to just decide to be fine. But over the last few days, I feel like I've finally reached the threshold above which I do have the energy to make a choice about my happiness. So that was what I did.

OK, job. Let's pretend it's love.
All right, loving my job is a stretch. But I've decided to do at least three things each day that make me feel like myself, or like the person I want to be. To be honest, I just don't particularly like myself at the moment, and I think it's been a while since I really did.

But there are things that make me feel like me and things that make me feel more worthwhile, despite the fact that the world would very much keep turning without my 7.30 - 4 job. Over the last few days, those things have been painting my nails teal, wearing my favourite colours,* solving the Sunday Puzzle,** reading, messaging old friends, going outside, and doing kakuro in my lunch breaks. I haven't done an awful lot to make the world a better place, but I'm working on it. I would like to bring down the kyriarchy, but in the mean time I will make small donations to Rape Crisis, hand out apples to people at traffic lights, and do what I can to look after friends who are sad. It's not much, but I hope it counts for something.

My teal fingernails are outside. Tick and tick.
Essentially, I want to be kinder and have more fun. I don't think there's any great metanarrative for my life. I don't have any faith in gods or fate or destiny. So I don't think there really is a "whole point of me" - but being kind and having fun looks like a pretty good place to start.

Part of doing things that make me feel like me is getting back to writing. I used to write a lot - some of it good, some bad, some very bad. So it goes. But the point is that I used to do it. Then, during NaNo 2011, I lost all my confidence and I haven't really written since. Not fiction, anyway. I've blogged and essayed and dissertationed, but I haven't so much as written a fanfic in nearly two years. And that makes me sad, because it used to be something I prided myself on. I don't expect to make a living out of it, but I would like writing to be part of my life again.

Relatedly, blog! I want to get back to posting more regularly - which of course means I need to work out what I'm going to write about here. It was much easier when I was having adventures and/or deep thoughts. These days, I don't have a lot of either. So that's something I'll have to think about, because I like you, internet, and I would like to not bore you too much.

I like you this much.
In lieu of adventures or deep thoughts, I can definitely offer you pictures of adorable things. Like this dorky baby sloth with a toy giraffe.

It may not be the whole point of me, but it is basically the whole point of the internet, and that's close enough for now.

*This actually makes me feel like Hannah, but I'm fine with that.
**This actually makes me feel like Bri, but I'm fine with that.


  1. I also have teal nails at the moment! Teal nails snap! Mine are more because I am stuck wearing that teal hat until my sunburn/hat tan fades than to feel happy, but they do that too as a side-effect.

    Sorry you're feeling sad :( I do find that when I'm stuck in a down time concentrating on hobbies cheers me up. Especially writing and especially fanfic because it's like the novel writing but without the pressure. Also knitting, because I'm accomplishing something. I may not know what the meaning of (my) life is, but I have a hat/scarf/square of something that I created and that's kind of satisfying. Being in a sucky job is The Worst because it just dominates so much of life in general. But as the song goes, it's only for now. It will probably open doors to much awesomer jobs and other things if you can just hang in there. I know that's easier said than done though.

    *lots of sloth hugs*

  2. What Tally said! I have no idea what to put in a comment. I want to say something (because I enjoyed and related to this post so much) but I don't know what it is! I hope things get better. You're great. Keep blogging. :)

  3. I typed out a whole reply, and then my tablet lost it. Now there is a first world problem of note.

    YAY NAIL POLISH. I found mine at Woolies and was very excited. Sorry you're still sunburnt! I hope at least the sunstroke is better!

    Thanks for the comment and slothy hugs! I realise that I forgot to include the quite crucial point that, having started doing all these things, I've been feeling a lot better and have actually had quite a good week. XD The sadness is there, but I'm feeling a lot happier than I have done for a while.

    I totally agree about knitting! I really want to get back into it. I haven't knitted since I left home. Knitting needle and wool shopping expedition some time?

    Hugs for you too! Hugs and aftersun.

  4. I appreciate the comment nevertheless! Thank you :)

  5. It's signed me in on Disqus so reply comes from a different person who is still me, I promise!

    There is an amazing little nail polish stall at Brightwater Commons that is brilliant for rainbow colours and cheap (but still good quality) nail polish. This is one of my favourites but I also have a BRIGHT pink (though elected not to wear it now while skin is still basically the same colour lol).

    There is also a lovely knitting store in Town near the oriental plaza. Cheap wool and needles, huge variety. I've been threatening an expedition there with my friend Monika (who you met at Starlight Express) but we haven't managed it yet. I will let you know when we go so you can come along or I can grab some stuff for you if you're unable to make it.

    Also GAH TABLET DELETING COMMENTS! I know them feels. It's the WORST. I happens to me all the time on the one I use for work because I highlight the whole thing by mistake then press space and there's no undo.

    Glad you have had a good week and thanks for the virtual aftersun. I'm begining to peel now so the ordeal is almost over. Nasty, evil, stuff sunshine is :P

  6. those of us who love you know full well - without having to think about it - the meaning of you. I wonder therefore whether love has something to do with the meaning of things(you, me, him, her, them?) and the discovery of them? In the meantime, kindness, teal nails and adorable things go a long way.......:)